The paradox that is motherhood.

Trying to describe all of the paradoxical sides to motherhood is so hard.  Unless you've experienced it there's no other way to fully grasp all of the irony that goes along with this gig.

-Suddenly your whole life is no longer about you but about your kid's(') and yet at the same time if you constantly give 100% of yourself you can't be the best mom you can be-gotta take a break and recharge and continue to develop yourself.

-They say you should talk to your baby to help them acquire their language skills (and not talk baby to them) while at the same time your ability to hold a 2-way conversation and overall language skills are dropping like a rock since interaction with adults is close to nil.

Something that has started becoming a habit in our house lately is the perfect example of the craziness that is motherhood:

Jake has always liked his hands busy while eating.  He used to reach up and grab my neck/chin anything he could reach, but now that he is formula feeding and is laying on his back he's had to find a new way to occupy his hands.  If I have a blanket on him then he can grab, pull, and rub his blanket between his fingers but if I don't think to do that his new favorite thing is to stick his right arm/hand through my left arm that's holding him.  (can you see this in your mind?  so he's laying across my lap with my left elbow/crook of my arm is supporting his head, and my right hand is holding the bottle.)

So his new fav thing is to put his right arm through the gap between my arm and my side.  He'll sometimes grab at my shirt/pull at it etc.  But sometimes he'll reach up into my armpit and start tickling me-moving his fingers around and I can't stop him cause both of my hands are occupied.  That's bad enough (I don't like being tickled but love to tickle-just ask code), but sometimes he'll show amazing dexterity and pinch the tiniest sliver of skin from my armpit in a vice like grip.  It HURTS SO BAD!!!! I seriously let out an involuntary yelp of pain and can't help but glare down at him.  Sometimes it's the armpit and sometimes it's the fatty part of the backside of my arm but he gets the tiniest needle amount of skin somehow and yanks. hard.  When I cry out in pain and look at him he has the saddest/scared expression on his face like he's about to cry and I feel bad/start comforting him.  Yeah.  haha.  I finally stopped to realize how messed up that is.  I feel bad cause my crying out in pain when my son hurts me, scared him.  I mean...who's gonna comfort me when my arm is throbbing??

See?  paradoxical.  I've learned to throw out all notions of "Fair" when it comes to being a mom.  It will never be fair.  As much as we hate to hear it while growing up-life isn't fair- and somehow it took me becoming a mom to truly realize that.  We get screamed at, drooled on, peed on, pooped on, pinched, grabbed, snot rubbed on our shoulders, and one day (for me) biten.  We get that after giving all the love and devotion we can to them/all the sacrifices.  (Of course we get tons of sweet happy moments too-I'm not trying to sound negative but I am trying to make a point).

You can't keep tally, can't keep score, and think- ok, I've done x, y, and z so now my kid(s) should magically understand that I'm human and I need a break/ deserve good behavior on their part etc etc.  It's also not a good idea to "keep tally" when it comes to you and your spouse sharing "homely duties".  For the first few months of Jake's life I tried to keep score in my head-ok, I've changed x amount of diapers so code should change the rest once he gets home cause that would be fair- i've filled my "quota".  Thinking this way is no good.  It will not bring happiness.  It will only bring disgruntled satisfaction if responsibilities appear to have been "fair" that day, or bitterness that you had to do more.

See what I mean?  I had a LOT of growing up to do in those first few months.  In my defense I was pretty hormonal.  The truth is, there is no quota, there is no fair/balanced way of getting through life.  Just work hard and do all you can within reason and help each other out when you can.  And really don't sweat the small stuff.  Just cause today was hard doesn't mean every day will be.

And after all of that harsh reality stuff setting in after becoming a mother....I love it.  I really do.  I love watching my lil boy grow up before my very eyes- the excitement on his face when he figures something new out, and the pride I have knowing that I play an important role in helping him progress-that he needs me.

yup.  it's a paradox.  (a most ingenious paradox ;)