My love/hate relationship with Trials

What an interesting month I've had....it's amazing what you learn about yourself when going through transitions and adjustment phases. 

Now, first things first-I'm feeling much better these days.  The morning sickness has definitely abated and I feel really good when I first wake up though I better eat something quick otherwise I'll be so hungry I almost feel sick, but things are good, and we are excited to go to our next appointment on the 17th.

Now, back to my realizations and growth over the past little while.  With the combo of constantly feeling crummy, tired, "meh" just plain unmotivated, plus the hormones making me have irrational reactions to things (no anger mind you, just the water works and I hate not having control over my emotions)- really started to ware on me after awhile.  I started to get scared that i'd feel like this forever.  I thought to myself, " oh my gosh, is this what depression is like?  do people feel this way all the time?" (not that I really could count what I was feeling as depression because I knew exactly why I was feeling the way I was feeling-I was pregnant). 

So anywho, while I'm not depressed, what I DO have a problem with and have to watch out for is: Worrying. I'm a worrier.  Even though I actually have a very rational brain (thus I'm fine 99.9% of the time)- every now and then I can still worry about the "what-ifs" of life.  So I started worrying, what if I'll always feel this emotional roller coaster-it won't go away even after pregnancy and I go crazy???  (yeah...apparently my rational brain decided to take a vacation.)  And even though I know that everything will be fine and it will pass I still have those feelings of anxiety over the "what-ifs".

This is of course not the first time i've had anxiety over seemingly unlikely things.  In looking over my life and when I've most freaked myself out (and by freaking myself out I mean feeling anxious and eventually crying and feeling better afterwards) I've noticed patterns- it seems it happens during times of transition or instability (I know-duh) and it's usually worrying about the unknown (again duh).

-When I was little (we're talking around 9-10) I used to freak myself out worrying whether or not I'd make it back to Heavenly Father after this life (essentially whether I'd get into heaven or not).  I mean, can you imagine? my mom trying to comfort and reassure a little innocent kid about that? But it seemed like a pretty big deal that was not necessarily written in stone.

-The summer after we graduated college we drove around for a month and a half on a huge road trip-it was way fun but after awhile not having stability (a home, sleeping in different places every week, a regular schedule etc) started to make me feel anxious.

-When we moved into our apartment on the first day-that awful first few days when it doesn't look like a home until you unpack and decorate-and that first night there were a lot of roudy loud kids messing around right in our stairwell-not making it feel too homey etc. yeah...cried-of course, a few days later we  were pretty much moved in and I was fine.

So big shocker when we are in the middle of this huge transition in our lives that will not have an end until 9 months and even THEN we will be transitioning to deal with actually having a baby in our lives- I'm a little anxious. pretty heavy stuff.  Life changing.  Honestly looking at it like that I'm amazed that I haven't been freaking out more.  (see? things are never as bad as you think).  Anywho, I like to feel in control, well put together, etc.

Things that have helped though, are learning to not just brush my feelings aside like they don't matter or ignore them til they go away, or-let's face it, build up and explode in an emotional moment, but I accept them.  Accept the fact that i'm feeling anxious and that it's ok-in fact it's normal.  Nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. 

Also, my testimony of prayer, scripture reading, temple attendance, and priesthood blessings has grown SO MUCH!  I'm so greatful that in times of personal struggle I am able to turn to the Lord for the support, comfort, and strength that I need, and as a result I am stronger for it.  I'm so greatful that He understands how I feel and knows exactly how to help me rise above it.  I'm also EXTREMELY greatful for Code who is ALWAYS so kind, compassionate, willing to listen, lovingly reassure, be the shoulder I can cry on, and never thinks I'm silly-just loves me.  It's really helped us become even closer.

So I may have no idea what's ahead, and I may have hard days when I don't feel that great (they are getting fewer and farther in between!), but I take peace in knowing that it's not forever and in the end, everything will work out just fine.  Code and I are so excited for this crazy adventure we're embarking on!