Just something that I've been thinking about today....compliments. We're not very good at giving them anymore as a society, and it's for one reason: self deprecation. Somehow we have convinced ourselves that we will build up those around us by tearing ourselves down. Combine that with a compliment? Man, that must make others feel really great, right? Wrong. Let's look at the difference it makes shall we?
"Wow, your hair is so well done! you have a real talent with that."
VS.
"Wow, your hair is so well done! i can't do my hair to save my life."
What is a natural response to the first compliment?
Thanks! right?
how about the second?
if you were to say just "thanks" it'd be kinda weird/awkward right? You would need to say, "oh no- I think you do your hair great too!"
In short, it's not a real compliment- it's the old bate and switch. Rather than enjoying a well-placed compliment, you're now obligated to validate the other person and suddenly the focus is back on them and not you. It kind of cheapens your compliment and puts your sincerity into question.
I think this trend probably stems from our current societies inability to find value without comparing ourselves all of the time. Think about it, the first compliment above is 100% positive and you're truly finding joy in someone else's success/good fortune/talents/whatever. The second compliment you're instantly comparing and creating a barrier between you and the person you're complimenting-are you envious of them? It's hard to tell and kind of makes the compliment seem begrudgingly given, almost wistful, and nobody likes a needy person. Everyone has their different strengths and talents, and I don't feel that my worth is diminished just because I've noticed someone is really good at something that I'm not.
As you can probably tell, this is a major pet-peeve of mine. The second "compliment" up there is not a compliment, it's a socially awkward moment. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for being "real" and humble/down-to-earth with people, but in the middle of a compliment is NOT the time for self deprecating comments. If you do this (it's a very common social trap to fall into these days) Stop it. Take note if you do it and simply stop it. You're tainting your compliments every time. Honestly, I'd rather not receive a compliment at all and avoid the "pep talk/compliment" I feel obligated to give back to the other person.
Ok, rant over......I blame my current mood on BYU basketball. That is all.
I love this. It's so true! I'm pretty sure I've been guilty of this, unfortunately, from time to time. Glad you posted this -- good reminder.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a good reminder. I do this often. But I think people are well-meaning. I don't think they're doing it just to shift the focus back on them and to get a compliment back. I think they're just socially trained to do it - everyone does it, so it almost seems like the polite thing to say. But you're right - we need to stop. Another closely related thing I am guilty of that needs to stop is putting myself down when someone gives me a compliment instead of just accepting it and saying thank you. Example: if someone says something like "you look really pretty tonight" I'm always tempted to down play it and say "oh thanks. It's just cuz I finally wore makeup for the first time in days. You should see me without makeup" or something like th
ReplyDeletesara,
ReplyDeletethat's so true-it really is the social norm. Accepting compliments is also a skill that we can all be better at I think :)
I think the self deprecation is almost more prevalent in the accepting of compliments. It's like people worry others will think them prideful if they just smile and say thank you. Accept the compliment! Own it! I think the giver and receiver feel better when no one is putting themselves down and it is a genuine exchange of appreciation for each other. It is strange though. I made a habit of accepting compliments this way some time ago, but I still feel the urge to self-deprecate even if I make the conscious effort not to. Like you said...a social norm that is ingrained! When I receive a compliment I say thanks but then change the subject as quickly as possible to avoid the awkwardness. I will have to pay more attention to how I give compliments though...I am not really sure.
ReplyDelete